I think I’m faking it

When I graduated from high school three years ago (seriously??) I made it my summer mission to get into shape. I worked out every other day, I went swimming almost daily, I was eating better (I had cut out a lot of cheese which was the hardest thing to do because cheese is beautiful), and I was starting every day excited to be a better version of myself.

Then college started and I was knocked off of my healthy-ish life and went back to not working out and eating unhealthy foods. I tried to get back into it on my occasions but I never have enough motivation to keep at it, so I though maybe I could make a change this summer.

However even though school was over for the semester and I had a job, which still gave me enough free time to work out, I still haven’t done practically anything. I’m trying but I have no motivation to keep going at it. I’ll work out for a day, tell myself I’ll work out two days later and I never do. I tell myself I’m going to start eating better but I still end up eating a slice of cake and a bowl of chips while I’m watching a television show.

Why am I like this? I have one theory…okay maybe two theories…

1     I started to follow a lot of body positivity social media accounts, so most of my feeds include posts about women being happy in the body that they have and not wanting to change anything about themselves. I then began to think oh yea that’s right I’m happy with how I look I don’t need to change myself. I look hot. People tell me I look okay. I’m happy with the way that I am…, but that isn’t true. I’m not happy with how I look or with how I feel physically or mentally.I feel as if I want to change but then I look at women who are different than I am and they seem happy the way that they are, so I wonder that maybe I should just be happy with how I look already.

I guess I have the if it ain’t broke don’t fix it mentality in the sense that my body is fine the way it is so there’s really no point in fixing it. Then I look at myself in the mirror and see that I’m not happy with how I look. I have the sense that society is telling me that I should be happy with my body, I should feel okay with how I look, I should have all this awesome body positivity about my body…but right now I don’t. I think that I’m completely faking the body positivity I have because I don’t feel good…I don’t even feel happy with how I look/who I am anymore.

2     Alongside following a vast amount of body positivity accounts, I also follow people who pretty much have their shit together already…or at least they look like they do. These are people who have either cut the crap and are leading healthy lives, or are people who have already been consistently going to the gym and eating healthy. People that got to this point over years of hard work are amazing because of their dedication, which discourages me because I (like many other millennials) am so impatient and want results in an instant. I lose any motivation I had because I can’t get to the point they are at without putting in years of work, and that scares me..which discourages me even more. (It’s a gross vicious cycle..)

I think my next move will be to sit down with myself and plan. Plan out everything. Plan out what I want to do, how I want to feel, the time I want to take to get to this point, and the food I want to put into my body. I want to feel better about myself and I need to clean out who I follow on social media and attempt to stop myself from idolizing images of people online.

That sounds like a lot of stuff so I’ll start with the cleaning out social media and work my way towards slowly planning this upcoming week so as to not overwhelm myself because I also have an internship right now on top of my regular job and working on a secret-ish project for a group.

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