I am an extremely emotional individual but I usually hid it pretty well. Up until a couple of years ago, I made sure that nobody could see my bad emotions. I didn’t want to hurt others. I didn’t want to disappoint others. I didn’t want to be anything bad in someone else’s life.
Then two years ago I did that whole annoyingly gross, romantic thing and I met a guy. Then the walls came crashing down. They took their time but they eventually fell down. I was able to show my anger (at times). I was able to show my frustrations (sometimes). I was able to show my happiness (more times than I’d like to admit). I was able to cry whenever I felt something (always).
While I was growing up I felt that I shouldn’t show emotions. I felt that I had to build walls that would hold up everything and not show that I was really feeling anything bad. I patched myself up by letting the feelings wash over me when I was alone and I felt fine in the morning. I let myself feel through fictional characters so that I didn’t have to let my own feelings fall down on me. It worked for the most part.
The person I wrote about above was the one that took those walls down and let my emotions fall on my head. Not in a bad way. However I’m still trying to figure them all out and how I should show more difficult emotions to others.
I want to be able to show the happy emotions easily, but it does get very hard when I want to express more negative emotions but I don’t actually want to show them. Do you ever feel that? I used to be very good at masking my feelings but now everyone knows when I don’t feel alright. I hate it but it is also a freeing feeling because I don’t think I’m lying to everyone anymore.
Though living in the South makes the whole feeling bad thing worse because when people ask you how you’re feeling you are supposed to respond with something along the lines of “oh just fine” but they can now see it in my face that I’m not fine. That’s the hardest part because I don’t want to lie but they can’t handle someone not being just fine.
I focus on this show of emotion because you can feel anything and want to cry. I cry when I’m sad, angry, happy, frustrated, plus every other feeling. I used to be able to stop myself from crying at any point and then cry later when I’m alone but now I actually cry. I cry in public, I cry around people I know, I cry in front of my family, and I still cry alone.
I don’t think this is a bad thing. I think you are stronger if you can let your emotions show, though I guess there must be a limit. You can’t start throwing things in class just because you’re upset at the next project you have to do.
I’m proud that I can cry more freely and feel more freely. I’m not upset that the guy I mentioned earlier pulled down my walls and let me express my emotions. I’m glad he did it. I think that I am better off showing emotions to others rather than putting them away to let them crush me when I’m alone.
While I have begun to show my emotions more easily I still have some problems to overcome. I need to know how to explain why I’m feeling the way that I am feeling. Yes I can cry but I don’t know how to tell someone why I’m crying.
I also need to figure out how to reach out to close friends and let them know how I’m feeling. I’m slowly allowing myself to rely on others in a healthy way. I don’t want to exclusively rely on others but I do want to lean on them a bit. What’s the point of friends if you can’t go to them when you’re feeling bad?
Here’s a full sized version of the graphic above that can be used to a phone lock screen.